Last Saturday Keith and I passed our 3rd Kyu Aikido tests. I’ve been cursing and complaining all month about the fact that we have to test at all and now it’s all over. I had a realisation several days before the test which helped me to see things differently. You might be surprised how often I leave the dojo on the edge of tears - considering how much I claim to love it, which of course I do. For some reason I often have a really hard time accepting my own level of progress, or even admitting to any at all. I become very self critical, I compare myself to keith and other students at the same rank as me. What dawned on me was that the comments in my head are just as much attacks on my person as the punches and strikes that I am learning to defend myself against, in fact they are much more damaging than the aches and pains that come from practicing a martial art 6 days a week. The stress hormones that flood my body are doing more damage than the smattering of bruises. The words I use about myself are painting a picture that will effect my life far more than the occasional over twisted wrist… I realised that what I learn in aikido - to move out of the range of the attack, to block the strike, to change my position so that the attacker and I are facing the same way, to use the energy of the attack in a way that diffuses it - are techniques I need to master internally. This challenge is just as much a part of my test as an effective shomenuchi iriminage .
In the same way I’m trying to learn how to use these techniques in other parts of my life. Recently a co-worker was describing his feelings about gay men. The biblcal story of Sodom Gomorrah was brought up in analagous reference to Fort Lauderdale and San Francisco. Needless to say we were at odds. I have a whole bunch of things i normally say when this conversation comes up - just as I do when vegetarianism is on the the table, or the Iraq war, or Wonderbras - but i stopped myself. I thought, what is really going to make a difference here? I know what I want to say but isn’t that just going to leave us standing opposite each other facing in different directions, unable to move forward for one another’s stubborn heads, butt, butt, butting for the rest of eternity… So i told him I thought it was perfectly natural, mounting (if you’ll excuse the pun) documentation from the rest of the mammal world shows it’s pretty widespread, that many of my friends are gay… and then I told him I thought that it was very compassionate of him that even though he felt very strongly about it, he was not going around being outwardly hostile to gay men and that I really respected him for his self restraint.
I wonder, was that effective. Did I effectively tenkan? Some studies have shown that positive reinforcement is the way to go on any level - whether you’re dealing with governments or individuals. On the other hand, civil disobedience is what brought so much of the equality we live with - however fragilely - today.
Anyway, i wish I were doing something more effective to bring about peacefulness on a bigger scale. I just hope that this period of waitressing and dog walking and writing - after a minor two year writer’s block I’m back at it again - and focusing on my inner peace through aikido will lead to a time when I have access to more of the world’s energy, and I can use what I have learned here to nurture what needs to grow, and toss the **** out of what needs to be stopped…